THIS, IS STU NEWS. BRINGING YOU THE BEST NEWS YOU WON'T USE SINCE 2011. NOW IN CAPS!
Train Kept Rolling All Night Long
Totanka, North Daktoa (Dances With Newspapers)
9-18-11
Last night at approximately 1:35 AM, a scary noise could be heard in almost all of Totanka, except on US 934 north of the county line. Sources likened the noise to a screetching metalic noise that sounded scary for quite some time... at least 3 minutes or so. Given it was a Sunday morning, people weren't usually out and about, but those living close to the train tracks noticed the large train stopping at the yard. It then crashed and a huge monster came out and some kids were filming it just like in the movie Super 8. Sources driving the train said they left it running from Billings, with nobody driving it. Denzel Washington mysteriously showed up, along with Chris Pine, and the two were able to successfully stop the train in Bismark before it crashed, and then got back on the tracks and made its way to Jamestown, where certain disaster would have happened, because cows were crossing the tracks apparently. This terrible news report contains a lot of content from the APoo newswire, and FXFM 104.2 Totanka's only pirate radio station.
Photographer takes Photograph of Building, Everyone Who Sees It Agrees It's Cool
Lexington, Nebraska (Pigbutt Town Media)
9-17-11- originally published on 6-22-11 but the date was fibbed, who cares though, right?
Since we've got the best news in town, and we own the entire city, you better stop looking at those other news sites and read ours, because we're accurate and we have the best breaking news this side of Lexington. Yesterday an event was held that we didn't cover but we'll steal it anyway. There was a big concert out at some manure farm out on Big (*#@ road in Lexington yesterday. Over 2 bands performed during the afternoon. Our veteran photographer James Voyeur was on the scene and snapped an awesome picture that will make your head explode when you see it. Seriously, look at that photo! Do it now! Don't make us come down there and open your eyes. Remember, we own this town. Those other radio stations in Lexington suck balls. Pigbutt Town Media contributed to this report. Duh!
REO Speedwagon Song Causes Incident
Forededin, Ohio (The Gossip Poster)
6-21-2011
A local man (name not released by the police) has been booked for attempting to climb a local hill in his boxer shorts. Earlier this morning, police responded to Moon Hill, and encountered the man attempting to jump off the hill. "He was sleepwalking," Deputy Doofy reported. The man was singing the REO Speedwagon song "In My Dreams" when he was jumping. "We climb, and climb, and at the top we fly, let the world go on below us, we are lost in time, and I don't know really what it means, all I know is that you love me... in my dreams," said the man. Fans of REO supported the man's release from jail this afternoon, with lighters held high and REO's greatest hits blasting over a nearby car stereo. The Gossip Poster was on the scene within minutes, thanks to our BS-Scanner. - James Fuggoo.
Yahoo! Mail Times Out; Refuses to Load. Its The End of The World!
Santa Clara, California (Rich A-Hole Reporter)
6-21-2011
Yahoo! Mail refused to load this evening, causing a major rift in the space time continuum. Local scientist E. Brown commented on the outage with a simple reply... "great scott!" The website was not loading either, causing mass hysteria across the internet, leading to Harold Camping (who predicted last month's failed end of the world) proclaiming this event as the start of the rapture. Meanwhile, some guy listening to the Mask Soundtrack, while trying to work complained that his pet cat was quivering his tail with the music. Yahoo! representative Tom Dingberry tells the RAR "what the heck is wrong with your computer, Yahoo! is working fine on our end." Rich A-Hole Reporter apologizes for the badly pixelated image included with this story. Windows 2000 sucks!
Local Time Traveler Finds Out When Music "Started Sucking"
Ningular, Alaska (Can't Spell Bulitten)
6-21-2011
George Bell Punnett, a local resident from down on the bayou, out in the street, has reportedly been time traveling lately. He says he has figured out when music "started sucking". He pins the year as 1999, when the music industry started producing "more and more crap." Punnett explains that when "cookie cutter" artists like "Britney Spears" started becoming popular, is when music as a whole started its downward trend into oblivion. George tells the Can't Spell Bulitten "this news story has way too many quotes in it, and not a lot of substance." He says he built his time travel device out of a 1995 Toaster/Refrigerator.
Tingling Cat Protests Cat Box Not Being Changed
San Negro Blanco, California (KFRT-FM 101.3)
6-20-2011
You've heard it before from LNG Radio, the cat now famous for waking up his owner has done it again. In an unprecedented display of force against his owner, Milozart has now violated Beatcode 1-4-3 by tipping over his cat box. "I did it because (he) didn't change it, I was digging in my own feces" said Milozart. Owner Richard Waterford enforced a beat for the violation, despite protests from cats at the San Negro Human Society up near the KFRT Radio Studio. An all beat alert was issued for cats nationwide after the incident, but was in effect for only 10 minutes. Meanwhile, Milozart continues to tingle, and quiver, and it still drives Richard nuts.
RADIO STATION SUES LISTENERS/COMPETITION
Lexington, Nebraska (Bounty Crounty)
6-8-2011
We reported to you yesterday that Pigbutt Town Media was planning on filing a lawsuit against listeners of the other radio networks in town and the state, including those stations that are received from farther away distances during the night. The station has just reported to the Bounty Crounty that the lawsuit goes toward district court #6 today, to be heard by Judge Holdanega Down III. "We can't stand by while these other radio companies are taking away our listeners," said owner Kim Jong Ill. "They don't have the right to be in [Lexington]. We were here first," he continued, "those other guys were a joke and now they're kicking our a$$. Its not fair. I want more money."
NO RELIEF IN SIGHT FOR DAMAGED POT HOLE
Dingle, Rhode Island (Nylon Penny Saver)
6-8-2011
A pothole on east south west 3rd Street about a mile from Quahog's city hall, has been pounded lately by speeding traffic, and it wants some relief. City of Dingle Streets Manager Bates Master says the traffic along 3rd just keeps increasing and increasing daily. "We can't seem to allow it to settle and be by itself," she says. The pothole complained of cracking, and stated it needed lotion to fix its bad skin. The pothole commented to the Penny Saver "it puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again." If you see any other disgruntled pot holes, contact the Pothead Patrol at 1877-UCB-GUAY.
CAT WAKES UP OWNER, MAKES HIM MAD
San Negro Blanco, California (LNG Radio)
6-8-2011
A cat named Milozart lives in a one bedroom apartment on BrooksWasHere Street. He usually isn't that much of a pain, but lately his owner has been complaining to LNG Radio that he has been waking him up earlier and earlier in the morning. "The cat does this really weird meow, that sounds dramatic, and then jumps on me waking me up," owner Richard Waterford says. "I swear I'm going to put on my super arm one of these days" he says. Meanwhile, nothing else happens other than Milozart knocking over trash cans, and meowing non stop about needless things. "He tingles a lot," says Richard, "it drives me nuts!"
RADIO STATION HOLDS CONTEST... NOBODY SHOWS UP
Lexington, Nebraska (Bounty Crounty)
6-7-2011
Local radio conglomeration Pigbutt Town Media held a county wide contest over the weekend in which nobody showed up. The contest featured several major country acts, including George Sidewayz, And Kenny Chestnut. The radio station says they don't understand why nobody came. "We advertised it heavily, in fact it was the one commercial we had running all week," says manager Kim Jong Ill. "I blame it on those other guys [Not Stuck On Ourselves Radio Broadcasting Inc] for taking away our audience. In fact, I plan on suing the listeners for tuning to their stations. Its all about the money. We don't give a rats *@@ about the listener," said Kim. If that is any indication, its no wonder nobody showed up. Pigbutt Town Media owns 10 stations in the city, 4 of which use an FCC loophole to broadcast HD-2 channels, since the only HD radio in the county sits in Kim's office. Wasted technology ioho.
MAN WATCHES A-TEAM RERUN, THINKS ITS REAL
Gheyerstown, Oregon (Dying Media Press)
6-6-2011
We usually don't report this kind of breaking news because breaking news doesn't happen in Gheyerstown, however word from the Fharts Household is that Tom Fharts was watching channel 5 the other day and they were showing a rerun of The A-Team. It was the episode where the lady was kidnapped off the jet ski when she could have easily out run the helicopter by turning around and going the other way. It was also the episode where something randomly had to do with a judge and some guy winked at another guy and it was like... gay! Tom says he found the scene with the lady on the jet ski so real he reached out to his television to stop the helicopter but it didn't work. Tom says "I don't understand, she wouldn't listen to me."
TOILET OVER FLOWS INTO BASEMENT
Casper, Wyoming (APoo)
6-6-2011
Earlier this morning at approximately 3 AM at an address near Popular Street, reports from neighbors were sketchy that a massive explosion had ripped through part of the neighborhood. Firefighters were on the scene investigating the cause of the explosion but no evidence of any explosion had been found. Chief SloFlatch from the Casper Fire Department reported to the APoo that a bathroom on the 2nd floor of a house behind Sunrise Shopping Center had overflowed after the homeowner had relieved himself. "The home owner told us he didn't know what to do, water was spilling everywhere... [he] didn't have a plunger, so the water had nowhere else to go but down," says First Officer Somman Baulz.
TREE FALLS IN WOODS, RABBIT HEARS
Mustybutte, Arkansas (Musty Butte Steamer)
6-5-2011
Back on route 56 near the highway split there was a tree that fell down into the roadway last Saturday night. The tree was one of them that looks like big leaves, and provides lot of shade for picnics or people who like shade and trees. Radio station KFKU 950 said over the radio today that the tree didn't cause no damage to the roadway, because nobody was around to be damaged by it. The legend says if a tree falls in the woods does anyone hear it. Since no one alive was around, a local rabbit who makes its home near the fallen tree commented on the radio that he heard it. "It definitely made a sound" said the rabbit. "It scared me for a little bit, but I knew I was okay, because I ran fast." Crews from the Bunhol County sheriffs office says they will remove the tree as soon as they can get their vehicle started.